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Yo, Read this bitch!! [17 Oct 2011|06:11pm]
Oh Alicia,

Jesus Christ of Latter Day Fuckin Saints! Seriously, let. it. go. When are you going to stop being so fucking lame? I mean really? Grow up and take some responsibility. I didn't turn you into anything, I didn't mold you into anything. I am not "Your creator" Bitch,that just shows how weak minded and pitied you make yourself out to be. You're seriously gonna sit here and blame me for how your dumb ass turned out.

Fact is, you're a self proclaimed Slut of your own accord. Not my fault you whored around on me. The only thing I take responsibility for is telling you what you wanted to hear.

I'm stupid. I loved Bekah...Don't get me wrong, I loved you at one point too, but when I was with Bekah, you never shut the fuck up about your feelings for me so I'd sit and tell you what you wanted to hear. It may come off as harsh now, and it's harsh because I didn't want to admit it to myself then but when you found someone else who wasn't me, all it was was jealousy. Jealousy that I didn't have you waiting at my beckon call anymore.

Which by the way is kinda a contradiction in itself, because you were always off whoring yourself to the next available dick you could pounce on. I'm not even gonna play the whole, "You hurt me" Card anymore because frankly I just don't give a shit whats done is done and I learned from it. I learned that I was a dumb ass kid searching for love in aaaaaalll the wrong places.

And about the whole monogamous way of life? You might not agree with it but shit, I'll tell you one thing.

I have someone who loves me and who belongs to me and only me, and I to them. There is no 3rd party involved, no one who will ever fight for my affection or fight me for hers..And it eliminates the possibility of any disease I could catch...Anyways. Bottom line is. Live your polygamist life style I don't give a flying fuck what you do just please, please please...quit your bitching. Thank you.
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Woah [15 Dec 2010|01:52pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Oh Wow. It's been a while since I've actually posted something serious on here. Where do I begin?

I for once am actually done with all the drama and all the fighting I've had with my previous exes.

Bekah and I will always be on good terms, I love her and that will never change. Has the love I felt for her changed? Yes. Finally I am completely over Bekah. My first love is now nothing more than a close friend. I don't see her in the light I used to see her anymore. Everything about her is normal to me. A good girl, a good person, But she's not how I used to see her. Like a Goddess, or the best thing that ever happened to me. I always thought I'd be stuck on her...but I guess I'm finally free from that feeling and free from that mind set of wanting someone who would never want me the same way.


Then there's Ali. Hmm, well Ali and I broke up a while back. She's married now and has two kids. She and I are still friends and sometimes I think we can have a normal friendship but I feel like I still hurt her to much. She thinks that I'm out to just wound her and use her. I'm really not. I really try to talk about the past light heartedly, maybe try to understand why things went down the way they did. She takes offense and right away she gets all hurt. I guess I don't blame her.I'm actually just thinking about walking out of her life without a word and just giving her what she wants. Her "freedom" From me, If I had honestly really known that she felt caged the way she explains it in her journals then I would've let her go. I just wanted to stay on good terms with the girl. I admit I'm an ass but she's not the only one I'm an ass to. I just always thought we were that type of friendship where we could be asses to each other and not really take offense to it. But she does, and there's not much I can do about that. If she ever reads this I'd like her to know that I never did anything to intentionally hurt her like she famously thinks. Was I too harsh? I'd say I kinda was, but I was for a reason. She hurt me so at that point I didn't feel I had to be civil. I know I've made comments where I've said, "Oh you should have waited for me, we would've have been together." But honestly I'm glad she didn't wait for me and I'm glad she did decide to pursue happiness, because although at one point in my life I felt I loved her, I know her and I would've never lasted. It sounds like I'm a complete asshole but I just didn't want to admit to myself then what I admit to myself now. She didn't fit me. Neither did Bekah and neither does Natalie.


On to Natalie. If there's any way I could be accused of playing mind games or messing with emotions it was and is Natalie who could accuse me of those games. She's the one I'd tell I loved but was always in search of another, She's the one I'd say I never wanted to let go because of how crazy head over heels she was for me. She was my security. She was the one I said, "Hmm, I can break up with her, and if things dont work out with this new interest, I can always go back to her." That wasn't right of me and I know that now, but what's a girl to do? I can't fix my past, I can't change it. I can try to be better. I'll try to be better.

I know I've said I've fallen in love or was falling in love and maybe I have loved...but not like I do now. This isn't anything like any of the past relationships I had.

Bekah was my first love, I fell hard, unguarded without looking back...I just fell. I got hurt, but I pushed myself up buried the hurt and continued forward always secretly loving her.

Ali was a love too, She doesn't see the hurt we caused each other the way I saw it then and the way I saw it now...Who in their right mind agrees to be a future but can't even be a present. The damage was too much, there was to much to throw in my face, to much to throw in her face. Love wasn't about resentment, love wasn't about who could hurt who the most or the worst. Yet there we were constantly fighting, constantly rubbing it in each others faces.

I loved Nat, but again, one loved more than the other....It wasn't fair for her to give herself all to me and then me give nothing in return...

I've been on both ends, and I've also met girls who I thought were potentials to be my meant to be like, Angel and some other girls who only lasted for a second in my life before I forgot them like Karla or Sarah. Names I'm even surprised I remember now like Hannah or Lisha...


I've had my fair share as a teen as a young adult to experience this whole love mess, and I might have confused the real thing a lot of the times. Maybe because I was so desperate in finding the one I'm mean to for.

Things are different now...If they weren't I wouldn't sit here typing this. I wouldn't admit the damage that has been caused to me or the damage I have caused to others. This time it's different.

I could sound like the "Boy who cried wolf" But this time it's the truth and there's nothing that could change my mind set, you could read this roll your eyes and ignore it or you can actually take my word for it.

When I met Katie there was an attraction so instant I had no clue what hit me, We started out talking like normal friends, I didn't know that my feelings for her would grow so strong and so quickly. When I think about her and I think about the love I have for her, I think mutual, I think perfect fit. She fits me and she loves me the same way I love her, no more and no less. An equal fitting. I love her unconditionally. I love her without thought. I love her completely.


It shocks me and surprises me how deep my feelings go. I love her so much I once told her..."If really being in love with you will send my soul to hell, then I would gladly give up an eternity of heaven for one lifetime here with you." I'm so caught up in her, she has me mesmerized but I'm not the only one who feels that way. She feels the same way. She doesn't leave my mind the way I don't leave hers. I finally like myself, I feel confident I feel protected, I feel loved. I honestly truly feel loved. Completely the way I love. With all of me, with all of her, she loves me and I love her. We didn't fall in love, we just discovered we had always loved each other and that's something I'll never give up.


I wish happiness on Bekah, I wish happiness on Ali, and I wish happiness on Natalie...because although we didn't work out I learned a lot from them. They molded me to fit Katie. To love Katie and to never take her for granted.

I don't know why I felt the need to write so much but I did and now I'm going.

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Holy Fuckin Shit [15 Nov 2009|12:48am]
It's been 4 years since I've said anything in this damn thing. Where do I begin?

Reading back on all this crap I laugh and think....wtf was I thinking...how old was I again?

It's funny how you think you feel a certain way but you don't...

Oh well moving on right, take the past, learn from it and move on with what you learned.

This journal was stupid...



Peace.
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BLAH [06 Oct 2005|10:09pm]
Eh dont got nothing of interest to say....but yeah...I'm gonna go.
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FUCK THIS SHIT [05 Oct 2005|10:11pm]
" I left my heart open but you didnt understand, GO FIX YOURSELF!!!! I cant help you fix yourself but at least I can say I tried I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my life. I cant help you fix yourself but at least I can say I tried, I'm sorry but I gotta move on with MY OWN LIFE!"

HA HA I feel like that....so how's everyone tonight? I'm alright I can say I guess. How's life? ha ha it's kinda ok for me...Passing my classes trying my hardest in school getting ready to graduate and get out of hell hole madison. I shall never return to that hell hole...maybe for a visit but that's about it.

Lindsey's different. She's changed so much...why she's in my writing I dont know. I dont know what changed her...I still care about her she's my friend...but I feel that just my presence itself annoys her...*shrugs* and Ali....ha...I dont even know what to say there it feels like I annoy her too.
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Ahhhhhhh [03 Oct 2005|04:02pm]
Ok so I was hanging (well not really hanging more like walking to class) with my el pasoin Nickie...and I dont know but we got on the subject of "how no one would want to date me" and she said she would...and I said "nu uh" and she said, "no I would" so I said, "alright we'll go on a date" and she said alright and junk....but anyways...yeah...we might start dating....I'm kinda worried because she's my friend and I dont want to fuck up that friendship...not only that but Ali....I love Ali so much and I'm still waiting...I'll never be confused about loving her...but I'm confused about dating another........AHHHHHH I'm so lost....
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[02 Oct 2005|10:52am]
wooo havent written in this shiznet forever...but hey I'm back and I plan on writing more on here....yeah I dont know who the fuck would read this but yeah...17 more days till my birthday!! woo hoo
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[17 May 2005|05:42pm]
What up?!?!? Long time no write in here, I'm here chillin with Amanda and Shantelle I'll let them say something....

ye6tyuyswtgyaerwsthgetdsrwseyterdtrazhtyfyjhgf lyke omfg so sex!!!!1111teeen

That was Shantelle, here comes Amanda....

omg like add me on myspace kthxbai.


Wow, ok I'm done Updating....
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[10 Apr 2005|10:14am]
HOLA. COMO ESTAN? MUY BIEN GRACIAS AAAAHHHH CABRON!

Oh my. I had a questionable amount of sleep. (love, Amanda)

Wow that was interesting. She's like laying right next to me on the floor and she looks dead, wow she's a hypocrite. That's sad. well yeah, anways Melissa's going to say something

que arribba perro!

Wow that was nice. anyways I'm done updating. Ok I'm lazy. Eh.

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[12 Mar 2005|05:50pm]
Wow, I noticed that I havent written shit in here. Well I have, but nothing important. I dont know, lately I'm at a loss for words. Hm. Ali's worried about my friends hating her. I dont like that my friends disrespect her. I hope they stop their childish remarks and start acting the age they are and not their shoe size. Um Yeah. I dont know what else to say. I'll maybe write in here tonight.
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I dont know [05 Mar 2005|10:36pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Hmm...Well I've had a boring day. Usually how all my weekends go. I just sat around doing nothing. I dont know what to type about. I dont know what to say.

Wait, I may have something.Maybe.

What's in my heart. I dont know.hmm. Love. Love is in my heart right now. I'm starting to see how it functions within me. How it functions within everyone. I mean, Life scares me. I dont know what the future holds for me. You go from being a baby to a grown adult who knows right from wrong. It's crazy that when you're five, the biggest problem you have is accidently breaking the yellow crayon and getting in trouble with a teacher.Or for A Teen the biggest problem is School, your boyfriend your girlfriend Did he cheat on you. Did she cheat on you.Then The problems of Adults, Bills, how you're going to find a way to live, find a way to support your kids and give them everything they want.Life is such a complicated thing.

But, what's life without love. Everyone feels it, everyone know's it. From that small child to that grown adult. Love is something we fear we'll never truly find, because sometimes we get so wrapped up in wanting a gf or a bf. But we forget that we have love all around us. Yeah it's cool to find that special someone. But just cause you havent found them, doesnt mean you should feel alone...feel...unloved. I mean...because there's always at least one person out there who must love you. One or maybe a whole group. Who knows.

It's hard sometimes though. I mean because Sometimes you confuse love with lust, with attachement,or even with obsession.What is love? Hmm. To me love is something that beats everything. It bleeds through walls that are built to block it. Let me put it simply.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish and does not become angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. Love is not happy with evil. but is happy with the Truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts,always hopes, and always continues strong"
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

This is true. I mean, if you really love then you'll be patient, If you're really truly in love, and you know it, then it shouldnt make you jealous when you see your 'Honey/baby/sugar' (ect.) talking to that girl or boy. Why? Because you know that your 'Honey/baby/sugar' (ect.)is yours and only yours. Love is everything. Love should be the center of your world. That's what should make up life. Love should be life. Whether it be towards a kid, towards a parent, towards a husband, a wife, a girlfriend a boyfriend. Love will open your souls eyes to all. It will show you things that you would of never seen with your body's eyes.

"If the people we love are taken from us, the way they live on is to never stop loving them.Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever."
- The Crow

But enough of me rambling, I should go now.

Hasta luego.

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I Played Bekah All Night. [02 Mar 2005|08:55pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Yeah that's my title. even though I didnt play Bekah. Although I should learn. See, I asked for Bekah about a year ago and I promised I'd learn to play her and I never did. Although I should learn like I said before. Yeah Bekah's cool, she's so black and white, I put stickers on her back. She's so cool. I'm so gonna learn how to play her I promise!


Yeah. But Today kind of sucked. But it's ok now. I'm going...hasta luego.

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What more do you want?!?!?! [01 Mar 2005|09:49pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

What more can I possibly do to prove love? What kind of hell must I walk through before she notices that I loved her. What more? It hurts that she doubts me so much. I loved her with all I was. She said I played with her. I think she's stupid. She always bitched at me and complained that I doubted her. When really? She doubted me. There's nothing I can do to please the girl. She literally makes me want to die. I want to just slit my throat to prove to her that I loved her. To prove to her that I was not willing to live without her. I hate that she does this. I hate that she doubts.

It's ok though, Bekah will help me. She's my best friend. We understand eachother in more ways then anyone. because we dont share our pains, our views in this world like everyone else. They accuse me of being in love with her. The tell me to save her from God knows what. But she's just my best friend. We have a bond there. A strong one. Ali complains about that. She says I played with her. (I know I said that before) and it pisses me off beyond belief to know that she said that. Because I didnt. I ruined a perfect relationship for her. I broke up with Bekah for her. I lost a trust I will never have fully again for her. I'm tired of her bitching bitching and bitching. This is my anger. After tonight I'll regret writing it so harshly. But since this is me right now I'm saying it.

Fuck you if you dont believe me! You shouldnt bitch because you caused more pain on me! You wouldnt let the fucking cut you made heal. Everytime it tried to, you fucking pealed the scab making it go deeper and deeper! WHY COULDNT YOU FUCKING LET IT SCAR?!?!!?
Why...Why do you have to hurt me?!?!?!!?!? HURT ME BY LEAVING....YOU MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING SLIT MY THROAT. MAKE ME NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I'M DONE TRYING TO PLEASE YOU, I CAN NEVER PLEASE YOU. I SERIOUSLY DONT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. ALL I WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO BE A FRIEND AS WELL AS A LOVER BUT IT WAS TO HARD FOR YOU. FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M DONE HAVE A FUCKING NICE LIFE. FALL IN LOVE WITH WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. THANK YOU FOR PLAYING WITH ME. I JUST WISH YOU THE BEST AND I PRAY AND HOPE THAT YOU NEVER COME ACROSS THE PAIN YOU CAUSED ME. EVER. FEEL FREE TO COME BACK TO MY LIFE WHENEVER YOU LIKE. BECAUSE LIKE I'VE SAID BEFORE. I'LL ALWAYS IN SOME WAY BE WAITING FOR YOU. UNLESS I SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FUCKING HEAD. GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Bekah, Amanda, Chrissy Jackie.....HELP ME!!! I've fallen...make me better. Help me up to my feet. I promise I'll learn how to walk again. Just help me. Manda I need you. You're all I got here in this hell hole the only physical body there. I can rest my head on your shoulder and cry. I can cry without feeling scared. I can cry without you judging me.
Bekah....you understand me. You always did. Our past haunts us because we were once one. But you're my friend and I know you'll be there when I call for you. Chrissy, My Liar. Help me. I should of listened to you. Listened to Amanda. I know...I just loved her so much. I still do. But since this isnt working out. I know this is me being bold but, Please, please help me. I love you all. And I give to you all what's left of me. Jackie, I ask the same of you. Help me. Please?! I beg you all....

GAWSH (That was for Lindsey, The Gawsh part I mean)

I cant do this anymore. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

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WANT WHAT WE CANT HAVE [28 Feb 2005|09:42pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

I want Lindsey Who wants Amanda, who wants Meagan. Therefore, I cant have lindsey cuz she's oggling Manda, but she cant have manda, cuz manda is oggling Meagan, and meagan is oogling manda back therefore leaving me and Lindsey screwed.

Lindsey's coming over tomorrow. She says we're going to take millions of pictures...again. And make my bed squeek...and maybe we'll call amanda to see if she wants to join. So the ryans belt will be bright 2morrow night...

Lindsey's looking for a job does any one have an opening. Because she's hott and the basken robins people are friggin idiots for not hiring her. Fuck you basken and robin fuck you!!!! Ok I'm done.

We are taking donations for a car, because after amanda leaves we wont have a showfer. LMAO I dont think I even spelled showfer right. but I'm spelling it the way it sounds to me. So FUCK OFF If you dont like it. Wow, I'm violent tonight. Verbally violent shall I say. *Lindsey bites my arm* Incase you havent noticed Lindsey is dictating to me so Her and I are the ones technically updating my journal. And lindsey wont shut up about amanda. So I'm going to get my dog to bite her face off. But not really. Lindsey's hott...love me. woo hoo. I'm an idiot. WOOOOOOOO HOOOO WE'RE GOING TO GO SEE TEGAN AND SARA AND LINDSEY'S GOING TO DO A THREE WAY KISS WITH THEM. Which technically it would be wrong considering the fact that they are sisters. Eww. I want to make out with Amber. Benson. Lindsey wants Shane! Yeah. Ok.

We're a big happy homo family. Lindsey said "Whatever I like" ok I'm done.

The End

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The Entry... [23 Feb 2005|09:51pm]
[ mood | Exotic ]

hi...I dont know what to say up in this thing....Just updating. I talked to Ali, things are going good, but I dont want to jinx it. Um...Amanda is awsome, it's gonna suck when she leaves me...but I got a few more months left with my best friend...and I'm gonna make the best of it...Umm...Yeah...I'm going now. Hasta la vista.. that was a fantastic entry...but really, adios. I'm mexican. GOD DAMMIT WHY CANT I STOP TYPING AHHHHHHH. Ok For real I'm done....bye...

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[20 Feb 2005|02:07pm]
HASH(0x88d50ec)
The Goddess of Ice and Hope. You are a creative
wonder. Always calm and collected, you hold the
awe of many people and you are exceptionally
logical. You are an inspirational beauty.


Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!) NEW PICS!
brought to you by Quizilla
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[20 Feb 2005|12:02pm]
Neo
You are a Khaos angel. You are different from all
the rest. You are a special breed of angel,
prone to suffer in the world that you are in
now. No matter how much you try to believe that
your not special, you are. There is alot that
you want to do in this world. Khaos angels are
very dramatic, we tend to have the ability to
cheer people up no matter what the mood, and
hold in your emotions. You should be proud,
Khaos angels are very rare to find in this
world of ours... (and yes. you are a completely
different type. Hence the name


What Different Kind of Angel are you...? ( Anime-ish pics )
brought to you by Quizilla
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[10 Feb 2005|10:42pm]
I'm sick and it sucks...so yeah, I'm going away now. Hasta luego.
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I swear, [08 Feb 2005|07:09pm]
Wow, I'm in a lot of pain...it hurts...I dont have much to say tonight...I'm outta here..
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Make it Stop.... [07 Feb 2005|07:38pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Today was good, I think. She's online right now. I'm shaking. God Help me Be strong! Give me strength. Help me Think of something else. When I see her online, When I know she's on...I start shaking horribly. I want to talk to her. To act like nothing happened...But things arent like that right now. No. We're through. God dammit Abby, remember she doesnt want you! She doesnt want you anymore! God dammit. Remember that. She left you.

Ok, so I have to start talking about something other than Ali. I got Laya Tomorrow. I love that Class. It's sorda kinda blow off but it's the best place to have fun. Yeah.

GOD DAMMIT! I'm alone. My mind cant wonder. Because if it does, it's just led to where she's at. I cant think of her, Thinking of her is torture. Torture's not good enough for me. Why she seperated us? I dont know. I dont know anything. I'm trying to Move on..I'm trying to be Ok.

God,
Tell her stop torturing me so much, Tell her to leave me. Tell her it hurts me to much to think of her. Tell her to stay away. To stay gone. Tell her to keep to herself. Tell her not to overwhelm me with her essence. Tell her to keep away from me! GOD!!! HEAR ME! Make this pain stop.....

I Have to go.

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