deathwish27 (deathwish27) wrote,

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Oh Wow. It's been a while since I've actually posted something serious on here. Where do I begin?

I for once am actually done with all the drama and all the fighting I've had with my previous exes.

Bekah and I will always be on good terms, I love her and that will never change. Has the love I felt for her changed? Yes. Finally I am completely over Bekah. My first love is now nothing more than a close friend. I don't see her in the light I used to see her anymore. Everything about her is normal to me. A good girl, a good person, But she's not how I used to see her. Like a Goddess, or the best thing that ever happened to me. I always thought I'd be stuck on her...but I guess I'm finally free from that feeling and free from that mind set of wanting someone who would never want me the same way.

Then there's Ali. Hmm, well Ali and I broke up a while back. She's married now and has two kids. She and I are still friends and sometimes I think we can have a normal friendship but I feel like I still hurt her to much. She thinks that I'm out to just wound her and use her. I'm really not. I really try to talk about the past light heartedly, maybe try to understand why things went down the way they did. She takes offense and right away she gets all hurt. I guess I don't blame her.I'm actually just thinking about walking out of her life without a word and just giving her what she wants. Her "freedom" From me, If I had honestly really known that she felt caged the way she explains it in her journals then I would've let her go. I just wanted to stay on good terms with the girl. I admit I'm an ass but she's not the only one I'm an ass to. I just always thought we were that type of friendship where we could be asses to each other and not really take offense to it. But she does, and there's not much I can do about that. If she ever reads this I'd like her to know that I never did anything to intentionally hurt her like she famously thinks. Was I too harsh? I'd say I kinda was, but I was for a reason. She hurt me so at that point I didn't feel I had to be civil. I know I've made comments where I've said, "Oh you should have waited for me, we would've have been together." But honestly I'm glad she didn't wait for me and I'm glad she did decide to pursue happiness, because although at one point in my life I felt I loved her, I know her and I would've never lasted. It sounds like I'm a complete asshole but I just didn't want to admit to myself then what I admit to myself now. She didn't fit me. Neither did Bekah and neither does Natalie.

On to Natalie. If there's any way I could be accused of playing mind games or messing with emotions it was and is Natalie who could accuse me of those games. She's the one I'd tell I loved but was always in search of another, She's the one I'd say I never wanted to let go because of how crazy head over heels she was for me. She was my security. She was the one I said, "Hmm, I can break up with her, and if things dont work out with this new interest, I can always go back to her." That wasn't right of me and I know that now, but what's a girl to do? I can't fix my past, I can't change it. I can try to be better. I'll try to be better.

I know I've said I've fallen in love or was falling in love and maybe I have loved...but not like I do now. This isn't anything like any of the past relationships I had.

Bekah was my first love, I fell hard, unguarded without looking back...I just fell. I got hurt, but I pushed myself up buried the hurt and continued forward always secretly loving her.

Ali was a love too, She doesn't see the hurt we caused each other the way I saw it then and the way I saw it now...Who in their right mind agrees to be a future but can't even be a present. The damage was too much, there was to much to throw in my face, to much to throw in her face. Love wasn't about resentment, love wasn't about who could hurt who the most or the worst. Yet there we were constantly fighting, constantly rubbing it in each others faces.

I loved Nat, but again, one loved more than the other....It wasn't fair for her to give herself all to me and then me give nothing in return...

I've been on both ends, and I've also met girls who I thought were potentials to be my meant to be like, Angel and some other girls who only lasted for a second in my life before I forgot them like Karla or Sarah. Names I'm even surprised I remember now like Hannah or Lisha...

I've had my fair share as a teen as a young adult to experience this whole love mess, and I might have confused the real thing a lot of the times. Maybe because I was so desperate in finding the one I'm mean to for.

Things are different now...If they weren't I wouldn't sit here typing this. I wouldn't admit the damage that has been caused to me or the damage I have caused to others. This time it's different.

I could sound like the "Boy who cried wolf" But this time it's the truth and there's nothing that could change my mind set, you could read this roll your eyes and ignore it or you can actually take my word for it.

When I met Katie there was an attraction so instant I had no clue what hit me, We started out talking like normal friends, I didn't know that my feelings for her would grow so strong and so quickly. When I think about her and I think about the love I have for her, I think mutual, I think perfect fit. She fits me and she loves me the same way I love her, no more and no less. An equal fitting. I love her unconditionally. I love her without thought. I love her completely.

It shocks me and surprises me how deep my feelings go. I love her so much I once told her..."If really being in love with you will send my soul to hell, then I would gladly give up an eternity of heaven for one lifetime here with you." I'm so caught up in her, she has me mesmerized but I'm not the only one who feels that way. She feels the same way. She doesn't leave my mind the way I don't leave hers. I finally like myself, I feel confident I feel protected, I feel loved. I honestly truly feel loved. Completely the way I love. With all of me, with all of her, she loves me and I love her. We didn't fall in love, we just discovered we had always loved each other and that's something I'll never give up.

I wish happiness on Bekah, I wish happiness on Ali, and I wish happiness on Natalie...because although we didn't work out I learned a lot from them. They molded me to fit Katie. To love Katie and to never take her for granted.

I don't know why I felt the need to write so much but I did and now I'm going.
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